Frequently Asked Questions by Parents

Q:  My child just told me that he or she has been sexually abused. What do I do?

A:  First, tell your child how glad you are that they told you what happened. Let them know that they are brave and that you are going to do everything you can to keep them safe, which includes asking other adults for help. Be careful to not question your child about what happened. This is a time for you to control your emotions in front of your child. It is normal for parents to feel many different emotions from anger to guilt to sadness, but at this time, your child needs you to attend to their feelings. It is important for you to attend to your emotions as well, but this should be done with an adult who is a trusted family member, friend, or counselor.

      Next, call the appropriate agency. Depending on your child’s age, it may or may not be appropriate for them to be present for the phone call. Adolescents often feel better if they are involved in the reporting process. Children, however, may only become more confused and worried. At this point, your child should be relieved of the burden of the information and should be able to focus on being a child, trusting the adults to take care of the information he or she has disclosed.

      In regards to determining the appropriate agency, it will depend on who the offender was and where the abuse would have taken place. If the offender is someone who lives in the child’s home or is an immediate family member, contact Child Protective Services. Child Protective Services will then contact the appropriate Law Enforcement Agency and they will decide what their course of action will be. If the offender was someone outside of the home, and you know where the abuse took place, contact the Law Enforcement agency who has jurisdiction in that area. For example, if a child discloses that he was sexually abused by a friend’s parent who lives in Chubbuck, the Chubbuck Police Department would be the appropriate contact agency, even if you and your child live in Pocatello.

If you have any questions about who to call or what to expect, you can contact your local law enforcement agency or Bright Tomorrows Child Advocacy Center.

Q:  My child has been sexually abused, but I have been told not to discuss what happened with them. I want to find out what happened. Why can’t I ask my child questions?

A:  It is important not to question your child about what happened to them because children are, by nature, “pleasers.” They want to have the “right answers” when adults ask them questions, and if they are questioned repeatedly by different people, they often begin to think they must have answered incorrectly the first time, and will change their answers in hopes of satisfying the person asking the questions.  Also, it is extremely important in an investigation that the child is questioned only by a trained forensic interviewer. Forensic interviewers have extensive training about the best way to ask the child for details of the abuse, without suggesting any information, which could ultimately make or break the case. Also, an untrained person questioning your child could further traumatize them, making a difficult situation even more painful.

Q:   Ok, so I can’t ask my child questions. What CAN I say or do?

A:   Here are some things you can say to help your child.

·         I believe you.

·         I know it’s not your fault.

·         I’m sorry this happened to you.

·         I’m not sure what will happen next.

·         Nothing about YOU made this happen. It has happened to other children too.

·         You don’t need to take care of me. I will take care of you.

·         I am upset, but not with you.

·         I’m angry at the person who did this.

·         I’m sad. You may see me cry. That’s all right. I will be able to take care of you. I’m not mad at you.

·         I don’t know why he did it. He has a problem.

·         You can still love someone but hate what they did to you.

Some things you can do:

·         Return to a normal routine as soon as possible. Parents are often tempted to “take it easy” on their child after they disclose abuse. This can send the message to the child that they are a different person because of what happened. Continuing to expect the child to do their chores, follow the rules, etc. will help them feel secure and reinforce that you love them no matter what happens.

·         See that your child gets counseling as soon as possible. Parents often feel like they can deal with the abuse on their own, but trying to sweep the problem under the rug usually causes more problems because it will not go away.

·         Find help for yourself. You don’t have to do this alone. There are people who are trained to help you through this difficult time.

·         Teach your child about personal body safety. Tell them what to do if someone tries to touch them in a way that is not okay with them.

·         Keep your child away from the person who is suspected of abusing them. This will not only protect the child, but also yourself and the person who is suspected of child abuse. If you do allow contact, you are failing to protect your child and there are serious consequences for this action.

·         Your child may need an extra sense of physical security. Stay close by, and reassure your child that you will do all you can to keep him or her safe.

·         Remember to give attention to your other children at this time.

Q:   Since my child has been sexually abused, does this mean that they will become a sex offender in adolescence or adulthood?

A:  No. Although it is common for children who have been sexually abused to try to make sense of what happened to them through “acting out” in a sexual manner, this does not mean that they are or will become an offender. It is important, however, that your child understands that these behaviors are inappropriate and that they are not allowed to act in this way. Counseling services for victims of sexual abuse are helpful in giving children the boundaries they may be confused about and also to help them make sense of their victimization, with the goal of reducing or eliminating the “sexually reactive” behaviors.

Q:   The investigators mentioned that they want my child to have a medical exam, which may include a colposcopy. What is a colposcopy and won’t this further traumatize my child?

A:   The medical examination can sound intimidating and traumatizing, yet we typically find that a child’s mind is set at ease when they find out that their body is okay after a medical exam. The exam is conducted by a qualified medical practitioner, who is accompanied by specially trained nurses. The child will be allowed to have a person of their choice in the exam room with them.

       A colposcopy is done with a piece of equipment called a colposcope. A colposcope is a piece of equipment that has a magnifying device and a camera attached. It is used to allow the best visualization of scars, injuries, and to ensure accurate documentation and interpretation of the physical findings. This is NOT a pelvic or internal exam. The medical exam is generally not painful. Shots and blood tests are usually not necessary.

       If there is a concern about STD’s, a urine sample may be collected and/or a small swab may be gently inserted into the child’s throat, anus, or vagina, much like the culture for strep throat. 

Q:  What can I tell my child about the exam?

A:   It is best to prepare your child for the exam prior to coming to the appointment. Be careful not to “coach” the child to say anything. You can let them know that they will be coming to see a doctor who will be checking them to make sure that they are healthy, much like a well-child exam in their regular pediatrician’s office. It is important to let them know that they will have their “private parts” checked, as they may need some time to get used to this idea.

      Children are very sensitive to what their parents and caretakers are feeling. Your positive attitude, support, and encouragement will help the exam go smoothly and quickly. It is a good idea to bring a support person with you to be with the child in case the staff needs to talk to you alone.